A little disclaimer, I wrote this two years ago a month after I got out of a three-year relationship. This came from my old blog (which got deleted), and my friends who have read this before kept requesting for me to publish this again. I can’t believe how much time had passed since I wrote this, crying and struggling to put into words what I was feeling. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m in a better place now (lol, wow?) enjoying being able to take time for myself and pretty much do whatever I want without having to answer to anyone. These days I’m trying to juggle med school, spending time with family and friends, and working towards self-improvement. So here it is, the only piece I’ve ever written where I let myself be vulnerable.
I’ve been struggling to find the words to explain how I feel. It’s been a month and I still don’t know how to properly express what I felt when you told me that we have to go our separate ways. I’ve always found it easy to put into writing what I feel but I’m at loss with how I should write about us. Maybe because writing about it means it’s actually real, that it’s really over. Or maybe that no matter how painful it was, I know it deserves nothing but the best of my words.
We’ve come such a long way. From clueless freshmen to people who are now sure of themselves and what they wanted for their future. People have always admired how headstrong we are and how much we’ve had our life plan figured out, and I’m proud of the both of us for being able to not let a relationship dictate who we want to be. Our friends have always told us how chill our relationship is — how we don’t prohibit each other; how we still maintained being independent individuals despite being together for three years; and how we always supported each other with what we wanted to do.
They’ve always told me how perfect it seems that we both wanted to be doctors so we would always understand what the other is going through, and it was. We were both prepared for what the future holds because we were sure of what we wanted to be. Until we weren’t. The future we imagined for ourselves doesn’t quite have each other in it. We both wanted to go to med school, and be successful doctors in our own chosen fields but we both don’t know what our future together is. And I know we’re still young but I’ve always thought that somehow we’d be thinking of it by now. After all, we’ve been together for some years already.
I personally don’t want to have a child of my own because the thought of pregnancy scares me, and knowing that I have to sacrifice so much of my time and myself for another human being scares me even more. But I know that I want to be married some time in the future. Who doesn’t? I wish I didn’t ask because the answer gutted me to my core. You didn’t want to. Every time I come to realize that, a part of me hurts because it just meant one thing: that even after three years, my boyfriend didn’t even see a slightest future for us. And again, I know that 21 is still young but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to include someone else in your future.
I’ve always thought that we would last longer than this because everything just seems right. With you, things just fell into place. You’ve always called me out on my bullshit and celebrated my achievements with me. You’ve never made me feel like I should be competing with other girls for your attention. You always made me feel like I can do anything that I want to do because you’ve never doubted my capabilities. And tears well up in my eyes as I type this because you’ve been such a good boyfriend, and even more so, one of my very best friends.
We’ve been through a lot, and after all that and the years we’ve been together, I still can’t quite believe that this is where it ends.